Hát ezt nem lehet lefordítani, úgyhogy csak angolul tudóknak. De nagyon vicces. Peter David ír arról, hogy mik azok, amiket nagy ívben kerülj el, ha író akarsz lenni a Marvelnél.
Words can be dangerous and tricky things, open to all sorts of reactions that one never anticipates.
No matter how long this column has been around, that’s a fact of life that I’m reminded of with amazing frequency. Yet the most recent reminder of that truism came to me, not as a result of this column, but from Marvel Comics.
Of the two major comics publishers, Marvel–for more than a decade now–has been the more conservative when it comes to language. At DC you can pretty much get away with “hell†and “damn†with regularity. At Marvel, “hell†is occasionally tolerated if used tactfully, and “damn†never is.
And, of course, some words are verboten at both companies. Fortunately, in the liberal realm of Krause publications, you can freely use such words as s[bleep] and f[bleep], and even the dreaded m[bleeeeep]er.
But with all the unwanted PR Marvel’s been getting lately–and with all the attention that’s paid to non-editorial influences as the stock market or big shot chain stores–it appears that language restrictions are tightening up even further. With various creators boasting of how great it is that they can say or do anything in their own titles, now is precisely the worst time for any major publisher to get more restrictive–yet that’s precisely what’s going on.
(And who knows? It was right at the release of the first â€Batman†film that Warner went anal on DC, so maybe they’ll get jumpy, too.)
In an idealized world, the only thing that should matter in editing a story is if it makes sense editorially. But we live in a world where Marvel actually got a letter several years ago (I saw it myself) in which a woman wrote in angrily about a villain saying, “I SHALL DESTROY YOU AS EASILY AS I WOULD FLICK AN INSECT OFF MY SHOULDER†because she misread the “L†and “I†in “FLICK†and thought it was a “U.†Despite the fact that any reasonable in-context reading would have tipped her to what was being said, instead she wrote in and demanded to know how Marvel could be publishing such filth.
It’s such an old gag that you shouldn’t use “FLICK†and, for that matter, not name a character “CLINT†(and, consequently, the name “CLINT FLICKER†is definitely a no-no) that you don’t expect it to crop up in real life.
But Marvel is now trying to anticipate all possibilities, and as a result, things can get a little…strange.
Now keep in mind that this isn’t censorship. Marvel can publish, or not publish, whatever they want. Nor am I especially upset about it, because it’s just words, and there’s always plenty of words.
But even so…
In an upcoming issue of “Hulk,†set in Las Vegas, I had a sequence where the Punisher was trailing someone, got spotted, and his van was rammed and knocked over. The Punisher bursts out the back of his van, guns cradled in either arm, and announces loudly, “Somebody just crapped out.â€
Now my dictionary lists the term “crap out†as “to make a losing throw in the game of craps†and, in slang parlance, “to fail.†The sequence took place in Vegas, remember…gambling capital of America (with all deference to Atlantic City). No reasonable person could possibly think, in context, that I was doing anything more than making a pun off of a popular Las Vegas dice game. Certainly I wasn’t intending anything beyond that.
But the line of dialogue, after initially being accepted, was kicked back.
Why?
Because of alternate meanings of the word “crappedâ€â€¦none of which had crossed my mind when I wrote it, but might occur to that woman who complained about “flicked,†or others like her. Then, of course, there’s concern that some chain store manager is going to get a copy of “Hulk†shoved in his face by some parent who decided to ignore the context so they could complain loudly about the filth in their kid’s reading matter.
Well!
What a fix for a publisher to be in. What great sympathy this must elicit from the hearts of all writers, commiserating with Marvel’s braintrust over the unenviable task of trying to anticipate every possible shade of meaning to every word in every Marvel comic.
But take heart, Marvel. I’m here to help.
I’m always being asked by would-be writers what it takes to write for Marvel. Certainly if I, who have been at this full-time for over five years, can fail to perceive buzzwords or phrases, then newcomers would have even more problems. Think of the valuable editorial time wasted on reviewing key words and phrases that could possibly offend.
Here, then, are various words and situations that, on the face of them, would seem to be harmless. But they are, in fact, landmines of alternate meanings, and should be avoided–not just by novices, but by experienced professionals.
1) “Crapped out†we already know about. Likewise, avoid referring to the edible North American freshwater fish called “Crappiesâ€; do not refer to someone who has eaten himself sick as suffering from “crapulence,†and do not use the term “crapshooter†since it might be interpreted as a slam at the editor of the Valiant line.
2) Do not, under any circumstance, name anyone “Dick.†If you already have a character named Dick–Dick Grayson, for example–and he has a sizeable amount of money on him, do not refer to that as a “Dick Wad.â€
3) Do not have anyone cock a fist. Do not have a sequence set in a barnyard wherein you refer to a crowing cock.
In sequences set in restaurants, do not have anyone toss around cock and bull stories while eating cockaleekie soup.
If their ship is sinking, do not have them leap into a cockboat. Even if they’re certain they’ll survive, do not have them be cocksure, and just to play it safe, don’t have some guy who’s the cock of the walk discussing the works of Jean Cocteau.
4) Even if your character is ankle deep in a basement flooding with water, do not say that he’s having problems with his plumbing. Do not refer to him having to deal with any sort of leak (especially don’t use the word “taking†in conjunction.)
5) Do not, under any circumstance, have anyone eat shiitake mushrooms.
6) Despite the fact that the wood of this particular tre was used to make the ark of the Tabernacle, make no reference whatsoever to the shittah tree.
7) Don’t bother coming up with a mutant team called “X-Crement.†Better men than you have already tried it.
Never describe two characters as walking abreast. Don’t have them keeping abreast of a situation. Don’t have them, if ordering chicken in a restaurant, state a preference for breasts…or thighs, for that matter. Actually, legs aren’t too good an idea, either. Have them order wings. That’s safe. Set all chicken-eating sequences in Buffalo, New York.
9) Don’t have a character compliment a female grocer on her nice melons. If a female is selling a car, don’t make reference to her showing a car with a nice set of headlights. In sequences set in stereo equipment stores, don’t make reference to “woofers†or “tweeters†if females are present. In fact, just to be sure, if males are present, don’t mention “equipment.â€
10) Do not have a female character emphasize a point by ending with the phrase, “Period.â€
11) If a man is wielding a very formidable gun, do not have another character comment that he’s got his hands on a really nice piece.
12) Do not call anyone an ass, even if they have fur and make loud braying noises. For that matter, don’t have anyone assimilate, never assume, and never assure.
13) Don’t have a character lay about, lay a foundation, lay a claim, or lay an egg.
14) Don’t have someone “queer a deal.†Similarly, don’t have a character who smokes light a fag, and don’t have them describe being exhausted as being “fagged out.â€
15) Don’t draw the faces of religious musicians onto comic book covers, and don’t write stories insulting Native Americans…neither of which has anything to do with the topic at hand, but it’s generally good advice.
16) Don’t describe a character as frolicing in “gay abandon†unless you’re prepared to appear on CNN.
17) If someone’s vacuuming, do not have another character admiring the vacuum cleaner by saying, “Boy, that really sucks.â€
18) Do not depict a wine and cheese party wherein a character offers to cut the cheese.
19) Do not have a deli owner bang his bologna or sling his salami.
20) And whatever you do…under no circumstance–and this will get you fired, I guarantee–under no circumstance should you [bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepppppppppppppppppppppppppppp].
